I didn’t realize I was living as a submissive with my boyfriend until after he passed away this year. Upon discovering more about the BDSM world since his passing, I realized that is where my heart lies. I like being the submissive one. The story about this personal discovery of mine will be for another post. Today’s post is about where I’m at after the loss of my love who played in that master role.

When he died, I didn’t know what to do with myself after he was gone. I have made the most of the last seven years about what pleased him and I forget what I used to do to make myself happy before I met him. I had a friend ask me, “What do you do when you are having those sad moments to make yourself happy?” I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know what to do to make myself happy. When I’m having one of those times where I just have to cry, I let myself cry till it stops. I’ll help the crying along by listening to some real sad music so the tears can flow even more freely. (I guess there is a little bit of sadism in me, after all.) But to do something to make myself happy?

I feel like one of those dogs that have lost their master and doesn’t know where to go or what to do. Alright, it’s not quite like that, but those hard moments when I am feeling just so lost, it does feel like that to me. I put a lot of my self value in knowing that I pleased him. Knowing that to the end he called me as his ‘chalet’ that being with me was him taking a vacation away from his every day life of work and any problems he was having. Seeing that smile on his face and his eyes light up when he’d see me made my heart skip a beat and made me want to please him even more. Right now, I don’t have that.

What does a submissive do after their Master dies?

Well, I really don’t know yet. I have to start a new chapter in my life’s book.